On Divorce

My class has been studying about divorce. This is a sad topic. I found that the majority of divorces that happen could easily be fixed if the couple would just talk to each other in kind ways, about what bothers them. The couple shouldn't attack each other, but instead, together they should attack the PROBLEM they are having. It would be very helpful, in my opinion, if they realize that they might need help saving their marriage, and to go to a GOOD counselor to get that help to tackle the problems they are having. I know sometimes people don't want to work at the marriage, and that is a sad thing, but that is not what the case most often is.
One thing that can help the struggling couple is to realize what the other is trying to communicate to them. That way they can react appropriately and not cause any more problems that would spiral them down a course to divorce. I would suggest getting help from a counselor to better understand how to do that and to help the couple properly communicate together.

Planning a Wedding

No, I'm not getting married. At least not yet...but I plan on getting married some day so it's a good idea to at least know what I'm going to have to prepare for. Since I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, there might be a few things on here that may not apply to everyone:

Wedding Day Preparations:

• Location
• Which temple? For me, it would be the Los Angeles Temple if everything goes the way I'd like it too, and since it's my wedding, that's how it should be.
• Get endowments
• Invitations
• Which guests/ family members will be going into the temple with me?
• Should be those people who mean a lot to me (endowed, close family members and only the very closest friends [maybe] that I would want there).
• Marriage license
• Set a date and get it cleared with the temple
• Photographer?
• My sister is going into photography and can take pretty good pictures, so I doubt I'd have to pay for a professional.
• Babysitting
• While parents of young children go into the temple with me and my fiance who is going to look after their children?
• Wedding Dress/ Tux or Suit
• Rings
• Bridesmaids' dresses/ Groomsmen outfits

Just a somewhat personal thought, but I believe that the plans for the reception should be handled by those other than the bride or groom. Yes, they should get a say in what goes on, but I feel the reception should be more of a celebration put on by others to signify an acceptance of the united couple into society. That way the couple can just focus on their wedding and the significance of their becoming one. This is supposed to be a happy day, not one overcome with stress. Still, here are some plans that need to be put together for a typical reception no matter who puts it together.

Reception Preparations:

• Location: indoors or outdoors (get it booked)
•  Guest book
• Decorations
• will there be a theme?
• Colors? (I'm thinking of going with yellow and purple)
• Cake
• whose gonna make it? Family? or Store bought/Professional?
• Food
• Will dinner be served? or just finger foods? (I'm thinking of going with finger foods)
• Who is going to prepare it? (volunteers/friends/family or catering?)
• Wedding Line?
• I am against wedding lines. I feel that time would be better spent if the couple could go around and visit everyone throughout the evening instead of having people stand in lines to wait for to see the couple themselves. Plus, the poor bridesmaids and groomsmen who know hardly anyone coming through the line, have to stand there the whole time and pretend they want to be there.
• Set up a Wedding Registry/ a wish list

Post-marriage Preparations (just to touch on a few):

• Honeymoon
• Where is the couple going to live?
• Thank you notes
• Changing of name (for the bride)
• Combining accounts
• Adjusting
• Etc.

On Homosexuality

So for my English class, I wrote an entire paper on Homosexuality I'll just paste it right here so whomever wants to can go through it:

Abstract

When searching out answers on homosexuality, many theories have been uprooted. Homosexual genetic factors of sexual relations have been based on sibling and twin studies done to correlate genes with sexual orientation. However, correlation does not equal causation. Another proposed cause of same-sex orientation focused on hormones in the brain. No study has ever taken into consideration the fact that the brain is not the same from birth to adulthood; the brain actually grows and forms as we get older and as we shape it. Outside the workings of our bodies are environmental factors that we react to everyday. We decide how we react to different stimuli, and sometimes when someone acts a little bit different from everyone else he or she might decide he or she must be gay or lesbian because of the way he or she responds to certain accusations. Although genes, hormones, environmental factors, and patterns of behavior all play a role in influencing who we are attracted to, ultimately each person chooses his or her sexual orientation.

On Homosexuality

Laura King, author of Experience Psychology, asks, “What explains a person’s sexual orientation?” (2010, p. 315). Many studies have been done in an attempt to answer this question. The studies have had varying results. Some claim homosexuality to be attributed to genetics, others to hormonal, behavioral, or environmental factors. We will see as the research emerges that there are factors to homosexual orientation that stem from each of these areas. Nevertheless, homosexuality is ultimately a choice made by an individual.

In relation to genetic factors, Neena B. Schwartz (2008), a lesbian emerita professor of neurobiology at Northwestern University, points out:

A behavior pattern as complex and variable as homosexuality cannot possibly be due to a single altered gene or even several genes alone. Many women have lived happy heterosexual lives for a number of years before changing to a lesbian orientation. This is clearly non-deterministic, in contrast to the genetic factors that cause, say, cystic fibrosis or Tay-Sachs disease or Down syndrome. (p. 21)

Because there are so many people who do not start out life as gay or lesbian, but later on in switch their orientation, we can rule out genetics as being a major influence in determining homosexual tendencies. An article found in The Guardian, a news website, points to some correlations between gay men and genetically inherited factors:

A host of studies since the mid-1990s have found common biological traits between gay men, including left-handedness and the direction of hair whorls. The likelihood that if one identical twin is gay, the other will be also be gay is much higher than the "concordance" of homosexuality between fraternal twins, indicating that genes play a role in sexual orientation, but are not the entire cause. (McClatchy, 2008)

Because they are assuming being gay is a biological trait because many of them are also left handed, does this also mean that because nearly half of all baseball players are left handed that playing baseball is a genetically inherited trait?  We know many baseball players who play in part because a parent played, but that does not make it genetic; there are many players whose families were never into baseball. In the cases of twins and siblings, Marcia Malory (2012), in her article from The Scientific American, claims:

We know, from many twin and adoption studies, that sexual preference has a genetic component. A gay man is more likely than a straight man to have a (biological) gay brother; lesbians are more likely than straight women to have gay sisters. (paras. 10-11)

Although a gay man is more likely than a straight man to have a gay brother, genes may not be entirely to blame. Just because there is a positive correlation between similar genes and gay and lesbian siblings, it does not mean the genes cause this correlation; there are too many outside factors that influence sexual orientation. There is a high likelihood the siblings were raised in a similar environment that has influenced them to make similar choices and come to the same conclusion regarding their sexual orientation.

Schwartz (2008) is also an endocrinologist, that is to say, a doctor who studies hormones. She said, “There is no evidence that gay men have lower or higher testosterone or lower or higher estrogen levels than heterosexual men. Similarly, there are no reliable data on circulating sex hormone differences between lesbians and heterosexual women” (Schwartz, 2008, p. 21). According to Schwartz, hormones do not play a significant role in determining sexual preferences. Furthermore, Malory (2012) mentions a study of the brain in which the different parts of the brain in gays and lesbians are different sizes when compared with their heterosexual counterparts:

PET and MRI studies performed in 2008 have shown that the two halves of the brain are more symmetrical in homosexual men and heterosexual women than in heterosexual men and homosexual women. These studies have also revealed that connections in the amygdalas of gay men resemble those of straight women; in gay women, connections in the amygdala resemble those of straight men. The amygdala has many receptors for sex hormones and is associated with the processing of emotions. (Malory, 2012, p.1)

We cannot take on a confirmation bias and ignore the research that has been done to support the fact that the brain structures in homosexuals are different. However, our brains are amazing and complex machines that do not remain the same from the moment we are born. The structures in the brain can grow and retract little by little based upon our usage of particular parts of the brain. Therefore, it should not be a surprise to see the differences we find in these studies. However, we must recognize that the choices we make create these differences in our brains and that people are not born that way.

Some examples of environmental factors are physical abuse, sexual seduction, extensive exposure to immoral media and peers, social norms, and economic needs (Dahle, 2009; Malory, 2012). From a book that Dahle (2009) and his colleagues edited, called Understanding Same-Sex Attraction, they said, “Heterosexuality is the automatic default program for humans unless something in the child’s environment interferes with its expression” (Dahle, 2009, p. 303). Any number of things can influence a child to change this “default program.” Something that is unfortunately common in many gay men is childhood experiences with rape. A young boy who has been sexually abused is more likely than one who has not been abused to become homosexual (Dahle, 2009, p. 159). This may be because, if it was a heterosexual rapist, the child would be turned off to the idea of having the same experience again. However, if it was a homosexual rapist, the child’s body might respond to the abusive treatment in a way that would make the child wonder if he or she might be gay or lesbian. Aside from childhood experiences, one environmental factor is society. In the United States, society frowns upon polygamy and being unfaithful to a spouse. Citizens “adhere to cultural constraints of monogamy despite being attracted to people other than their spouses” (Malory, 2012). However, even though it is also frowned upon to engage in same-gender sexual activities, gays and lesbians ignore the cultural norm and choose to act on their feelings of sexual attractiveness toward people of the same gender. Both cheating on a spouse and homosexual attractions have negative connotations in our society; however, for some reason, this environmental factor has different effects on individuals depending upon how they choose to justify their actions whether for better or for worse.

Environmental factors influence our behavior, or how we react to stimuli in the world around us. Patrick J. Leman (2011), a professor at the University of London who focuses on studying children's conversations, communication, learning and social development, and Harriet R. Tenenbaum (2011), a psychology professor at Kingston University, wrote about the development of gender behavior in children. They said, “For boys, victimization led to engagement in more feminine behaviours” (p. 155). When boys are not treated with kindness by their same-gender peers, they tend to hang out with and act more like girls instead. This causes them to associate better with girls than with boys. When boys and girls start to show interest in the opposite gender the reason is because the other gender peers are “odd” or “interesting.” They are curious about why the other gender acts so differently. If a boy associates better with girls, he will start noticing these differences between himself and the other boys. We should realize this is not a sexual attraction. However, just as sexual attraction of opposite genders arise by seeking out those impulses to satisfy curiosity, the boys who find other boys to be “exotic” or “different” will want to satisfy their curiosity as well. Appeasing these impulses, whether by participating in sexual practices or by other more subtle approaches, results in romantic attachment (Bem, 2000, p. 533). In their study on gender nonconformity, sexual orientation, and psychological well-being, Gerulf Rieger and Ritch C. Savin-Williams (2012) have discovered, “On average, participants with any same-sex orientation scored significantly higher on measures of gender nonconformity” (p. 1). The characteristics of these individuals reflect more about how a child behaved based on their social interactions and less on their biologically inherited characteristics. The participants would demonstrate more cross-gender behaviors such as, for example, a girl labeled as a “tomboy” would. Daryl C. Bem (2000), a self-identified gay researcher at Cornell University, explains that when someone acts like someone of the opposite sex would, it is due to how they react to a biological characteristic. In his own words:

At best, there seems to be an implicit, primitive gender-inversion theory of homosexuality: If, for example, a biological characteristic that is more prevalent in gay men than in heterosexual men happens also to be more prevalent in women than in men, then, ipso facto, that is somehow deemed to “explain” the homosexual orientation. (Bem, 2000, p. 532)

Biological characteristics do not “explain” homosexual orientation. Our behavior is based on how we choose to act in certain circumstances depending on the factors of that circumstance. “Daryl C. Bem . . . postulates that genes do not directly cause homosexuality but rather set the stage for homosexuality by influencing temperament” (Dahle, 2009, p. 161). King (2009) defines temperament as “an individual’s behavioral style and characteristic way of responding” (p. 276). If temperament is the way we respond to environment, it then has a huge role in influencing how we view a situation and how we choose to react to the events that go on around us. In a study done by B. P. Zietsch and his colleagues (2009) on genetic and environmental influences on risky sexual behavior, they “tested [their] concern that participants self-identifying as homosexual (1.6% of the sample) may have artificially lower [risky sexual behavior] scores than heterosexuals. However, homosexuals actually had higher scores than heterosexuals” (p. 14). Because of the negative judgment constantly being passed to homosexuals through their peers, they respond by choosing to engage in behavior that reassures them that their choice of sexual orientation is what they want.

According to C. Lynn Carr (1998), the thing that is “missing from these accounts is an acknowledgement of agency, the (potential) ability of individuals to create their identities (given social constraints) through social practice” (p. 3). Carr is explaining that we have our agency, meaning we choose who we become. We take what we have learned from our environment and our social interactions, and we choose the significance and how much those situations influence our lives and who we become. The idea of choice is further explained in the book Understanding Same Sex Attraction:

And choice—agency, or the active role of the individual in constructing his or her own identity—is an important consideration [in the case of homosexual orientation]. This choice may not be a conscious choice in the development of the attractions themselves, but rather is a choice in how the individual responds to the biological and environmental influences. And even when the attractions develop, there is choice in how the individual will respond to those attractions: either to accept and act on them or to choose not to act on them and to focus on eliminating or diminishing the attractions. (Dahle, 2009, p. 168)

The attraction toward the same gender may not always be affected by conscientious choice; however, whether a person acts on feelings of attraction or chooses to forsake those feelings is a matter of individual agency. The pertinence of choice is reflected again by Carr (1998) when she states, “While identities are social constructions, individuals do not have identities manufactured for them” (p. 3). As individuals we have the choice to be influenced by what goes on in society around us and how it will influence us. We manufacture our own identities.

There are many ways in which we can look at the different pieces of research and decide what has a greater influence on homosexual orientation: genetics, society, or personal choice. Nevertheless, it all comes down to the realization that we all have our agency. Despite the influence of our genetics, our hormones, or how nonconforming we are to our typical gender roles when faced with differing environmental factors, sexual orientation comes down to making a personal decision.

 

References

Bem, D. J. (2000). Exotic becomes erotic: interpreting the biological correlates of sexual orientation. Archives of Sexual Behavior. 29(6), 531-548. Retrieved from: http://tinyurl.com/ahmyg74

Carr, C. L. (1998). Tomboy resistance and conformity: agency in social psychological gender theory gender & society. Gender & Society. 12, 528-553. doi: 10.1177/089124398012005003 

Dahle, D. V., Byrd A. D., Cox S. E., Dant D. R., Duncan W. C., Livingstone J. P., & Wells M. G. (Eds.). (2009). Understanding Same-Sex Attraction. Salt Lake City, UT: Foundation for Attraction Research.

King, L.A. (2010). Experience psychology. New York, NY: McGraw-Hill.

Leman P. J., & Tenenbaum H. R. (2011). Practising gender: children’s relationships and the development of gendered behaviour and beliefs. British Journal of Developmental Psychology. 29(2), 153-157. doi: 10.1111/j.2044-835X.2011.02032.x

Malory, M. (2012). Homosexuality & choice: are gay people 'born this way?' The Scientific American. Retrieved from: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/10/23/homosexuality--choice-born-science_n_2003361.html

McCatchy Newspaper. (2008). US researchers find evidence that homosexuality linked to genetics. theguardian. Retrieved from: http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2008/dec/01/homosexuality-genetics-usa

Rieger, G., & Savin-Williams, R. (2012). Gender nonconformity, sexual orientation, and psychological well-being. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 41(3), 611-621. doi: 10.1007/s10508-011-9738-0  

Schwartz, N.B. (2008). Genes, hormones, and sexuality. Gay & Lesbian Review Worldwide, volume, 15(1), 21-23. Retrieved from http://tinyurl.com/9klx6g5 

Zietsch, B. P., Verweij K. J. H., Bailey, J. M., Wright, M. J., & N. G. Martin (2009). Genetic and environmental influences on risky sexual behaviour and its relationship with personality. Behav Genet. 40, 12–21. doi: 10.1007/s10519-009-9300-1

Future Father of My Children

The first step I would take to ensure an active father role in the lives of my children would be to marry the right guy. However, I have talked about this sort of thing with someone who I think could potentially be a father to my future kids. One of the things we have talked about when it comes to fatherhood involvement is having a weekly Sunday father to child talk with each kid. This would entail the father taking time to sit down and talk with each kid about how they are doing and if there is anything that he could do to help them with school, or other challenges the kid may be having.

Something else I believe would be really good for my husband and father of my kids to do is to show our kids how much he loves me as his wife. I really mean that he should do this by being by my side whenever possible. He should support me in the things I want to do. He should hold me when the children are present and give me a kiss when he gets home from work. I think my parents stopped kissing each other in front of us kids for a time because whenever they would kiss each other, we would always say, “eew.”They probably got tired of hearing that whenever they wanted to give that sort of affection to each other. I probably would get tired of hearing that too, but I still think it’s very important that my children know how much their parents love each other.

I also think that it would be important for my husband to take an active role in helping to teach our children and helping them with their school work. However, since I expect him to be working much of the time, I would really expect him to at least not turn our kid away when they ask for his help.

I would also encourage my husband to go out with our children, whether that is with each individual child or with all the kids at the same time; preferably both. I know this would probably only happen once or twice a year (since I would want to go with them on most occasions).

My Dad

I love my dad very much. He is a great father. He is an excellent provider for me and my family. However, he does not just give me everything I want. I do feel that I have been more spoiled than most children by my father. His work allowed him to have plenty of time off for vacations and things where he could spend time with our entire family. He and my mom would take me and my sisters camping about once a year where we would be able to get fresh air and have lots of quality time together. My dad, when he is not at work, is almost always up for playing some games with my mom, my sisters, and I and we get to spend a lot of time together that way. Just over this Thanksgiving break, we would all get together and play several games every day that I was down there.

There was a period of time when my dad would take my sisters and me out on individual “father daughter dates.” When I went with my dad, we went out to Baskin Robins for some ice-cream which was a special occasion for me since we almost never would go out for ice-cream at an expensive place like Baskin Robins. It gave me some time to just be with my dad and I really liked that a lot. I found that having that time alone with my father was really good for me and helped me to better understand the love my dad has for me that much more.

The one thing I wish my dad did more was to show me the things that he would do. He did all sorts of jobs around the house and I rarely ever helped out with any of them or even knew why he was doing whatever it was that he was doing. I feel that I could have learned a lot more if my dad had me help him out with the things he was doing. For example, when he would work on the cars, or if he would be unclogging the plumbing in our bathroom sink, or if he was just setting a timer on the sprinkler system I either never knew about it or I was never asked to help out much. I feel I could be closer with my dad if he included me more while he was doing those things and I would also know more about those things for my future family.

Planned, Paid-for, and Paired Off

So it just so happens that I went on a date this past weekend. It really came out of no where. My roommate met a guy while we went to latin dancing on campus. She had given him her number and he texted her and asked out on a date. She did not want to go with just him, so she asked if she could try setting me up with his roommate. That's how it went down. A completely blind date. All I knew about him was his name. My roommate is a freshman, so she didn't understand the "rules" of dating. She didn't even give her date a chance to pay for her meal that night even after I told her not to pay for it herself! My date was quite gentlemanly and paid for my meal (I did give him the chance to step up and do so). Now that I think of it, my date was the one who opened all the door for us and kept up the most conversation. My roommate's date got brownie points for acctually being the one brave enough to do the asking. Both our dates had PLANNED the date, both PAID-FOR the mini golf we went and did, and we were PAIRED OFF. It was a lot of fun, and I'm glad I was able to go. As a bonus, I had heard before the date, that my date wasn't sure this whole thing was a good idea, since last time he was set up on a blind date by his roommate he had a terrible time, however, at the end of our date, he told me he had a good time. I really hope I was able to help restore some of his faith in dating again.

Mom vs. Dad

              In my family, as you know from my first post, there are 4 of us sisters, my mom and my dad. I didn't grow up seeing how my nonexistant brothers were treated differently than me and my sisters (obviously, becuase I don't have any!). I did, however, realize that what my mom did and what my dad did differently. My mom stayed home, took care of us kids, and did the housework. My dad had a job, did the yard work, and fixed anything that broke. It would seem my family is very traditional. I think all my sisters and I connected more with our mom than we did with our dad. I love both my parents very much, but I learned more from my mom than I did from my dad while growing up. I believe that if I ever did have a brother, he would have been closer to my dad then my sisters and I are. My dad probably would have shown him how to fix a leaking pipe or how to change oil in the car much earlier than my dad ever tried to show me or my sisters. I believe that my parents behavior was greatly influenced by how they were raised by their parents. The mothers in most of my extended family, as well as the fathers tend to be more traditional than in other families. I'm probably going to act the same way, or a similar way when I have a family of my own.

 

           I alway thought it would be fun to have an older brother. Someone who would be there for me at school, and just be generally a protector for me when it came to boys. Not to say my sisters and I aren't all a little protective of each other when it comes to boys, but it seems like it's different when it's a brother protecting his little--sometimes even his older--sister. Probably because a brother would have a better idea of what is really running through the other guy's head because he is a boy as well.